10 warning signs of elder abuse
The entrepreneur needs another parental loan for a business opportunity.
Happy days, we'll have a repeat whirl at becoming the Morgan Family.
A son removes money from his father's bank account. He's got power of attorney, but forgot that doesn't come with the power of entitlement.
Financial elder abuse is well-documented and we all think we know what it looks like. Surely it's about the drug-addled or debt-ridden black sheep of the family? Peter Pan visits the nursing home and emerges with a bit more of the family gold. Yes and No.
There's a far more sophisticated and subtle version of family abuse with money. Most people you talk to have witnessed something in their wider family where the word "abuse" just seems too strong. They're all a bit too middle-class to use that word.
Perhaps the term "manipulative" or "taking advantage" seems to suit the situation better. Even the word "elder" is a bit off-piste. It conjures up images of Mum and Dad in an age-care facility. Mum and Dad might be 58 or even 68 and just breezed in from a 10km run.
Having pre-conceived ideas about what the victim and perpetrator look like when it comes to financial abuse, stops us recognising what's going on behind closed doors.
In the vast majority of cases, it's very subtle and committed by people who are pretty nice grown-ups on the whole. They just haven't stopped to weigh up what they are doing, or how other members of the family see them. When parents don't appear to be overly "vulnerable", no one feels comfortable approaching the subject or interfering.
Here are ten red flags:
1. Having never been told "no" to a request for money. Don't take this as a sign that the relationship and financial position is strong. Many parents fear time, visits, help and grandchildren being withdrawn.
Money and emotional power shifts often go hand in hand. There's huge embarrassment in saying no, if the answer has always been yes.
2. Parents always agree to requests quickly. A danger sign. They fear your reactions and have possibly pandered to you. It might not be you they fear, but your partner or children if they're difficult and influence you heavily.
3. Parents sworn to secrecy. Why? Are their emotions and needs not important? It's a big deal to gift or lend money to another person. Why should they be prevented from discussing this with a trusted friend, taking advice from a lawyer or being open about it to other siblings? Shutting down a parent's ability to discuss things is manipulative.
4. Parents are idolised and successful. They've always helped financially. Well that's very nice, but are you intuitive enough to know when it's no longer appropriate or affordable for them?
5. Parents don't tell other siblings about money they've given you. It's not about your privacy. You may well have put them in a position where they can't afford to be fair and give similar amounts to others. Just because your sister is an engineer and your brother married an accountant, doesn't deplete their need to treat you all equally.
6. The topic of gift or loan is evaded. If it has never been mentioned, they fear your reaction. So why didn't you raise the topic and make it easy on them? It's not insulting for them to keep a record of small amounts or adjust their will. They have relationships with other siblings to protect and so do you.
7. No money has changed hands. It's just not paying for things – rent, power, bills or food. So how long is this going on for? If they haven't raised it they're embarrassed or fearful of your reaction. Set a deadline so they know and can plan their own life.
8. Harmless skimming. It's very small amounts. No its not, it's repetitive and insulting to be the repeat offender in the family.
9. Paid for favours. You take Mum or Dad shopping and they insist on filling your car with petrol. Would you be the same son or daughter without the kickback? Are they a little bit lonely and don't want to risk being cut off? Other siblings make no effort, so do you feel entitled to it?
10. It's not for me. Adult grandchildren need a house deposit or want to start a business. They're a good kid, and everyone is proud of them. Multiply that thinking out across each grandchild. Is it fair? Is it affordable? And why isn't it your problem first and foremost?
Janine Starks is a financial commentator with expertise in banking, personal finance and funds management. Opinions in this column represent her personal views. They are general in nature and are not a recommendation, opinion or guidance to any individuals in relation to acquiring or disposing of a financial product. Readers should not rely on these opinions and should always seek specific independent financial advice appropriate to their own individual circumstances.